I wrote this on IGTF, but it’s easier to keep the whole thing on here:

Shiúil sé agus shiúil sé leis, agus bhí sé ag smaoineamh ar fhilleadh ar ais nuair a chonaic sé caróg nó fiach dubh i bhfad os a chionn uaidh sa spéir.


Actually, I think yours is much nicer, if we just fix a few typos and substitute scéal for ní/rud in the first line (and add the line you seem to have missed?). And perhaps doing as (someone?) had previously suggested to Franc, using seven instead of five, is a good idea. It’s true that seven has that more ‘magical’ feel to it in Irish (as in ’sheacht mh’anam déag) than five does:

An scéal atá agamsa anocht, go mbeidh/raibh sé
seacht n-oiread déag agaibhse (san) oíche amárach,
nó mura mbeidh, nár chaille sibh san iarracht
ach na clárfhiacla nó na cúlfhiacla,
slis don ghiall,
meall ón drandal,
nó b’fhéidir an (chúl)fhiacail is faide siar
le báta láimhe a dhéanamh de

_________________
Not a native speaker.

Always wait for at least three people to agree on a translation, especially if it’s for something permanent.

My translations are usually GU (Ulster Irish), unless CO (Standard Orthography) is requested.

Go raibh maith agaibh

And just for the sake of shooting he threw his gun up and he shot
- and just - how would you translate that? for the sake of - ar son... or - mar mhaithe ?
chaith sé a ghunna suas agus - scaoil sé leis - or dhiúraic sé?
And lo and behold
?????
didn't the raven come down and flop in the snow.
nár thit? an fiach dubh agus - flop? - sa sneachta

The hawk went away and stayed there fluttering over the raven
D'imigh an seabhac agus d'fhan sé ansin ag cleitearnach os cionn an caróig (?).
So the King of Ireland's Son knew the raven wasn't dead.
Amhlaidh (?) - sa chaoi go ? an Mac Rí in Éirinn bhí a fhios aige nár an caróg marbh.

And he walked up to the Raven
And he was wondering what he'd do now.
Agus shiúil sé go dtí (suas leis?)an Fiach Dubh
Agus bhí amhrasach faoi a dhéanamh (?) anois
"Ah" says the Raven "you've got me , you've brought me down"
"Ach" arsa/dúirt sé an Fiach Dubh "fuair tú mé, thug tú anuas mé"(?)
"That's right" says the King of Ireland's Son
"there I have you and there you are and what will I do with you?"
"Tá ceart sin é (Ceart go leor?)" arsa an Mac an Rí in Éirinn
"Tá tú agam agus tá tú ansin agus cén rud déanfaidh mé faoi?"

"I don't know what you'll do with me" says the Raven
"Níl a fhios agam go ndéanfaidh tú fúm (liom?)" arsa an Fiach Dubh.
"I'll tell you what I'll do
"Inseoidh mé tú a dhéanfaidh mé,

"I'll bring you home
" Tabharfaidh mé sa bhaile tú
and I'll put a splint on your wing and bind it up
agus cuirfidh mé cléithín ar an sciathán do agus ceanglóidh mé (suas?) é
and leave you in my father's barn
agus fágfaidh mé tú sa scioból m'athar

Bump - le bhur dtoil

Tabharfaidh mé chun an bhaile (or: abhaile) thú
(ulster: bhéarfaidh mé 'n a' bhaile thú)



agus cuirfidh mé cléithín ar d'eiteog agus ceanglóidh mé é
(ulster: ...agus ceanglóchaidh mé é)



agus fágfaidh mé i scioból m'athar thú
(ulster: agus fuígfidh mé i scioból m'athara thú)

_________________
Is fearr Gaeilg na Gaeltaċta ná Gaeilg ar biṫ eile
Agus is í Gaeilg Ġaoṫ Doḃair is binne

Go raibh maith agat